Complete the sentence, I’m really good at _________________. It’s suppose to be a moment to compliment yourself, but the only words I could come up with were raw and honest and sad.
Because hard as it is to acknowledge, it has been the truth. I am a VERY good cheerleader for other people’s dreams, and yet I allow myself to give up. When milk prices headed south and my husband looked for an outlet for his stress as a volunteer firefighter, I said “ok”. And when the farm was taking away from our savings account and my husband said he wanted to pursue a full time job as a firefighter, I said “you can do this”. And truthfully I’ve been jealous of him the entire time, envious of him for following his passions, chasing a new goal, believing in himself, and challenging himself.
I wanted things. Before the farm, before the family, before the months blended into years and I allowed myself to believe it’s no longer important. So I thought about that sentence again and I stopped. I decided to stop being jealous of others because they were doing something I wasn’t. I decided to stop doubting myself. I decided to stop putting everyone else and all their opinions ahead of mine. I decided, to stop giving up on myself.
I thought about the words I told my husband when I had informed him that I’d quit my job 4 years ago (not a very important position by any means, but…), I had said that “I’m working full time on the farm and I’m raising my family and I’m not going to work for someone else’s dream anymore”. I decided to find that person inside me again and change my sentence.
I told Brad that I decided I was going to build our dairy farm into the business I day dreamed about. I want to provide for my family, care for a small herd of cattle, and market my own dairy products. So there it was in words, my goals explained to someone else. And I didn’t stop because I knew that if just Brad knew my plan that I might still back down. I told my dairy inspector, my family, a few close friends. And I reminded myself E V E R Y D A Y — I am not stopping, I’m not taking ‘no’, and I’m going to be committed.
Which honestly, during the last seventeen months on more than one occasion I’ve thought of getting myself committed, but I digress.
Yes, 17 months I have been researching, and planning, and making business plans, plural because there has been a ‘NO’ to my dream and instead of giving up, I changed it up. I’m refusing to accept NO. And I’m here, in the final stretch of my business application and I do not know if it will be approved or denied but I do know this:
- I have become more determined in making my soul happy, more than ever before in my life
- I have learned that my introvert personality will take a back seat to my entrepreneurial side
- I have learned that I am determined and if it doesn’t work right now, I’ll try again
Rachel Hollis in her book “Girl, Wash Your Face” reminded me that nobody gets to tell you how big your dreams can be and that if you’re unhappy with your life, that’s on you. I’m currently taking the BIGGEST risk of my life and I pray I can follow this post with good news but in the meantime I’m just gonna continue to work on my plan — for the future of my family & farm.
Next post // Growing My Dream – Part 1 & Growing My Dream – Part 2